Workout Magz – How to Talk About Your Unsatisfying Sex Life

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It happens to the best long-term relationships. You’ve found your groove, and suddenly, weekend nights with your partner are spent on the couch watching Netflix reality shows instead of having sex on every available surface. In fact, you can’t remember the last time you had sex. Was it in fall? Or even further back?

The problem with bringing it up is that it can hurt your partner. By saying, “We don’t have sex anymore,” it can seem blunt and painful by accusing her of withholding sex. You have to approach the subject with tact and delicacy! Luckily, it’s possible to talk about your sexual needs without being hurtful. Here’s how:

1. Ask About Her Needs First

Instead of asking her why you two don’t have sex anymore, find out how she feels! It’s very possible she feels your sex life is lacking too, and hasn’t been initiating sex for some reason. Phrase it thoughtfully as this will signal to her that you’re being considerate, not selfish.

You: Hey, I wanted to ask you something. Do you feel like your needs are being met? Is there anything missing for you? Please don’t feel like you can’t  be honest with me.

If she brings it up herself, this is the perfect segue into an effective, good talk about your sex life, and what you can do to repair it.

2. Resist the Urge to Accuse

You: You never want to have sex anymore. You’re always tired. I’m feeling really frustrated.

This kind of statement can feel like a direct attack. You’re putting all the blame on her, implying that she’s the only thing holding up your sex life. That’s rarely the case, as it’s usually much more complicated than that. Assumptions will only lead to her getting defensive (or snappy) in return.

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Don’t talk about your frustrations like they only affect you. Chances are she’s not feeling great about it, either! She’s probably been wondering what you think of the situation, and by being aggressive, you’re just confirming her worst fears. Instead, try:

You: Can we talk about our sex life? How do you feel about it? I know it’s a sensitive subject, but it’s something we shouldn’t be afraid to work on together.

Emphasize that this is a team effort. Your sex life is something both of you are responsible for! Both partners have to be committed to getting their sex life back on track.

3. Make Her Feel Comfortable Enough to Open Up

You: I know this kind of rut is totally normal, but if there’s anything else going on, let’s talk about it! I love you. I don’t want any gaps in communication over this.

Maybe she hasn’t been feeling her sexiest lately. Maybe she’s been depressed because she feels unfulfilled at work. Maybe she thinks you don’t want her anymore. There’s any number of reasons why her sex drive could be shot! You won’t find out unless you gently ask. Let her know she can be honest without judgment.

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You can help her do this by being equally honest about your own feelings. Tell her you miss her without making it seem like you’re only interested in sex.

You: I do miss being with you sexually. How could I not? I’m more concerned about why we don’t talk about it. I want you to be happy, and I want to understand if there’s anything that’s making you unhappy.

4. Suggest Something Positive Moving Forward

Sometimes, your sex life can hit a wall because nobody’s making any effort in the relationship. Even if you two don’t find each other as sexy as you used to in the beginning, this is fixable. Don’t let the conversation devolve into a fault-finding argument.

You: Well, maybe if you didn’t put on sweats and get into bed with a face mask on every single night …

Her: When was the last time we went out together? You’re more interested in hanging out with your guy friends than with me. You shouldn’t be surprised that we don’t have sex anymore.

There are so many tiny issues that can lead to two people not having sex. Don’t take the conversation to an ugly place by listing those! There’s zero chance that’ll end well. Instead, listen to her concerns, and instead, suggest solutions.

You: I think this is a good place to start. We can definitely try to work on some of these things. Going forward, let’s do more date nights together. Let’s skip Netflix, get dressed up, and get drinks somewhere cool instead.

There’s no time for  couch wallowing on Sundays. Try to  institute a rule that you can’t take phones to bed. You can even surprise her with some massage oil for a sensual back rub. Something more serious, like the fact that she’s depressed at work, for example, is something that can be  resolved long-term.

RELATED: How to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to be spontaneous. If you act pessimistic about the nature of your sex life, why should she have any incentive to change it? Remember, this is a conversation about the future. You should stay positive about that!

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